Changes
I know it’s been awhile since I’ve posted, but it seems that lately, nothing has inspired me to write anything. I think I’m at that point where, I’ve been in Iraq for awhile (8 months) but I still have awhile to go and I haven’t been home yet, and I’m just suffering from this serious sadness and resignation. I can’t seem to get out of this rut, and I don’t go on leave until late in October.
So I’ve just been continuing with the daily drone of things here. I get up, go to the office, go out on missions, write my stories, but there’s a lack of motivation and it’s become too methodical.
I took a look at my blog yesterday for the first time in a few weeks and I realized that people were actually starting to read my pathetic attempt to learn a little more about websites and html. Though I’m sure that means that my little blog will finally come up on the radar of “the men up high”.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking of leave, and going home a lot lately. I grew up in a small town in Minnesota, lived there all my life, the kind of town where everybody knows everybody. I was reading an article in my local paper about a month ago about a guy I graduated who had just returned from Iraq (I didn’t know he was here).
(I was one of about five people from our class of 150 to join the military. I was also the LAST person anyone would have thought would enlist. I’m skinny, I never played any sports, I think gym class was the only class I ever came close to failing in high school.)
The article made me think about how we’ve probably all changed since graduation (four years ago)
I left high school on a mission to prove myself to the world. I’m still not sure how I thought I was going to do it, but I’m sure everyone else had similar plans. Once we left school, we’d make something of ourselves. If we could just get out of this town, we’d be able to do something with our lives.
Sure, some of us went to college, some the military, some got married, some have kids, (though that was going on before we left school). But have we really changed?
Obviously, this experience here has changed me, though I haven’t decided yet whether it was for the better. When I return home, even when I go back to visit, I’m not going to be the same, care-free kid whose only worries are rent and parties, boy trouble, parent trouble. I’ve lived for the past eight months in an environment where I could be killed at any time. I’ve known people who have died here. I’ve seen things here that have opened my eyes like nothing else could have.
I jump at the slamming of a door. I drive vehicles through the streets like somebody’s out to get me (because they are). I carry a weapon with me EVERYWHERE I go. My life is dictated by other people. There is no separation of work and my real life. This is my real life.
So, how is this going to affect me? When I go home, will I jump when the door slams? (yes) Will I drive my car like it’s a HUMVEE and I’m back in Iraq? (probably) Will I wake up in the morning and freak out because I don’t know where my weapon is? (I’m sure)
But, more importantly, will I be able to go back to my life, my REAL life, and function like I did before? Will others notice the change?
15 Comments:
Hello,
I just wanted to take the time to say "Thank You" for everything you've done for the people over there, and for the people here in this country.
What you are doing over there could very possibly be the turning point in our world history into a greater democracy, and to finally bring stability and peace to the Middle East, something that hasn't existed, well, perhaps ever.
Despite any political differences people may have with each other, back home, we all love you and support what all of you guys are doing. Thank you so much for your effort and your bravery.
Michael Peters
BB, I just got back from my leave and the ride home was the worse part. I also wondered if I would react to loud noises, car backfires, and such. The answer was "no". When I stepped out of the airport door, I literally felt like I stepped from one world to the other. I did find myself scanning crowds and rooftops for AK-47s but I was able to shrug that off too.
The night before I returned was when it started coming back. As my wife was driving me back to the airport, she commented that I seemed very distant. In my mind, I was already back.
When I went through the mandatory Chaplain's briefing, he told us to have three stories ready. One would be a funny story; the second would be a camp life story; the third would be a "no-sh*t" story. Most people will want to hear the first two and be very careful who you tell the third one to. This was truly terrific advice and bang-on true.
Enjoy your leave, don't drink too much, and came back safe. R1
Dear BB - I am so happy to find your blog. As each month goes by with no resolution in Iraq, I have been looking for ways to connect more personally with our service people and the people of Iraq. I just found the MIBLOGS through the AP article.
Please know that even those of use who have opposed the war from the beginning love you for the service you give to our country.
I have been wanting to make some kind of contribution. You are all the ones making the sacrifice - we continue totally normal lives. So my husband and I would like to get the word out that we would like to offer our services working with PTSD for free to returning service people. We use primarily a form of biofeedeback called Neurofeedback - check out EEGSPECTRUM.COM
This doesn't demand much talking and I know there is enough to adjust to returning life without feeling you have to talk to get support. WEe live in Barrington RI and I am sure other practitioners in other parts of the country would join us in this service if there are returning military who would find it helpful.
Also on a light side, if you think it would help your sadness and depression, I have started a column on my Blog "written" by my elderly loveable curmudgon dog Sonje. I feel a little trite to even write this with bombs and gunshots around you. But humor is always helpful.
Please be safe and I hope your time home is happy, and nourishes your heart.
Small town Minnesota! I'm in the Twin Cities, myself--the kind of town where everybody knows just a handful of people but they all think they know everyTHING, LOL. If you drive like you're in a humvee back in Iraq, you'll fit right in.
Your html experiment here is not pathetic. It's kewl.
Change is a given in life. Whether it goes for the better or for the worse, is more a function of how you deal with it, than anything else.
I know its tough out there, although my husband is just a contractor in Iraq, I have seen the differences in him when he was on his R&R. His views differed and he saw the life outside Iraq as "fake"...what I mean is that he saw how Iraqis are struggling to survive, whereas in the "real"world people just ran after luxuries, took everything for granted.
Your views will change, but to the better. Its a lesson which matures your ideas and beliefs and makes you proud, that you are doing something great for people who really need it....
Take care and stay safe
Wars always fuck up families for generations, and it will be interesting to see how this war (which seems to involve proportionally more women and civilians) will resonate for the years to come. My experience with male combat veterans is that they don't talk much and tend to become much better people (more humane, more open, more humble) or more brittle (defensive, closed, reactionary). I am hoping that it will be a little different for the women of this war, and their ability to process and convey their experience will mean more insight and less chance for future mistakes and civilian complicity in those mistakes.
http://rorybowman.livejournal.com
First off - Thanks for your sacrifice and stay safe.
For what it's worth, my experience, which was vastly different than yours (US Navy: Beirut, Lebanon 1982 - 1983), showed me that the most jarring thing is not how much you change - but just how little everyone else back home changes. I know that probably sounds trite, but it is the reality. Do not shoulder the burden of other peoples inexperience.
Try not to get too hung up on the labels. Your "real life" is going on right now - it just happens to be on steroids. It has been completely expanded to include experiences that very few people will ever know. You are a survivor - you have stood up to some huge challenges and held your own. That is the REAL YOU in the REAL WORLD - not some empty platitude. Don't worry, the people who know you and love you will see that and accept you as they always did.
Will you function like you did before? You know too much to just simply function as before. Given the amount of introspection that you have done, my guess is that you will function at a higher level.
Remember - you are not alone. There are many vets out there who will always give you an open ear. Consider me one of them.
Good luck and enjoy your leave.
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