“You never go back to the same place twice because it is not the same place and you are not the same person.”
I haven’t left Iraq yet, but within days we should be flying to Kuwait to retrace the journey we made almost a year ago. The last two weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster. I’m either really, really happy, excited and anxious or sad and regretful, or terrified and angry.
This is what I’ve been waiting for the last year, going home, and yet now, I can’t believe it’s actually happening. We’ve done our last mission, our replacements have taken over, we took our last convoy (whew!) and we said our last goodbyes as we left our FOB for the one that we’ll fly out of.
It kind of seems like I’m just on another embed. It feels like we’ll be packing up soon and heading back to camp to go about the daily routine. I’ve slept until nine or ten the last couple days, but I always feel like I should be doing something. For the last year we’ve been going non-stop, without thinking and now we’ve got all the time in the world to think.
Mosul has been my “home” for almost as long as I lived in Illinois before we left and for some reason, I feel more comfortable here and I’ve been happier here than I ever was in Illinois. In many ways, life here is less complicated than at home- no rent, people cook for you, do your laundry, every decision you have to make is made by someone else, you don’t even have to think about what to wear in the morning.
Our unit has bonded together since we left. We’ve become more like family than I think any of us had imagined. Most of us hadn’t even met before we left here and now (with the exception of the one person here that I can’t stand) I can’t imagine life without them. We’ve all got plans for when we go back. Most of us won’t even be going back to the same place, we’ll be spread out all over.
As for me, I’ll be going back to see the fam in Minnesota, collecting my things in Illinois and moving to Florida to begin another part of my life. I’m getting married this summer and I’ll be going back to school to get my nursing degree.
But, other than that vague plan, I have no idea what I’ll be doing. We don’t have a place to stay in Florida, I don’t have a job lined up and I won’t know anybody but my fiancé and his family there. It seems like every huge change that has happened in my life has been like this, very un-planned and haphazardly strung together.
I’ve always wanted to live in Florida though and I can’t wait to be with my fiancé again after so long. But neither of us are going to be the same people. He just returned from his second deployment here with the Marines and will be getting out and returning to the real world again. But I’m sure both of us have changed. There are things that he went through that I worry he won’t be able to talk to me about.
Even the things we thought we knew about home, our families, our friends, have changed. A year is a long time to be away.
So, it’s scary. And as I sit here today, I realize how difficult it is going to be to adjust to the way things are going to be when I leave here.
6 Comments:
You are going to be just fine. You've got a healthy perspective and good insight.
A little trepidation about homecoming is completely normal and you get props for addressing it. People change anyway... people who've been changing separately over months have things to work through when they reunite... I can't imagine the permutations from both of you coming out of a combat zone... but you've got all of the tools you'll need and good sense.
Oh, and the bonds with the people in your unit? Thirty nine years later you'll still remember them like it was yesterday.
Sgt. B. here,
Darlin', welcome to the Next Step...
Your feelings are no different than anyone else's who has undergone a significant and life-changing experience. These things happen even after "short" 6 month deployment, where all you do is sit on an island and train for something that never occurs.
Roll with it... You're going to find that there are a number of things that have changed in your life; attitudes, reflexes, expectations...
As long as you've realized this, you're on the right track. You'll experience some depression: you'll miss your teammates intensely, you'll even miss the life "on the line..." This is normal.
Take advantage of the support groups that are out there (veteran's groups, formal or informal counseling - nobody will think any less of you for it...)
Most of all, though, LIVE LIFE! You deserve it!
Like the man said in the last Lord of the Rings movie: "You bow to no one..."
We've pinned all of our pride and respect on your shoulders. We've lived this experience through your eyes. Now, let us help to welcome you back home. Let us help you heal and find your balance again. We'll be here if you need us, whether to rant, talk, cry, yell, or just sit there quietly while you work through any issues you might have... Just give a yell, we'll come a'runnin'...
With great affection from a grizzled ol' Jarhead (and everybody else...) WELCOME HOME!
Sgt. B.
(hvygunner2000@yahoo.com)
I ain't anonymous...
You're right about all the changes, but you are way ahead of the game just by recognizing that things are going to be different. I only recently discovered your blog, but you obviously have your head on straight. Like Sgt. B said, acknowledge the challenges you are going to face and don't be afraid to go get whatever kind of support and encouragement you need.
You've done the tough job and now it's time to find your way back to the joys of civilian life. Enjoy the trip!
Have a safe journey...
Sarah
tryingtogrok.com
Your going to be just fine, your heart is the same one you had a year ago.Maybe a few dents in it but the same one. You hang onto that! You could always come to Arizona, we always have room for one more! Take care and keep us updated ok?!
Hang in there!
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